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Read. Suffer. Try to Enjoy.

The Vocal Cords Of The Cabbies Seldom Vibrate...But When They Do, They Vibrate REAL Fine

Ever had an experience when after a hard day’s work, you head out home late at night, gleefully planning out your quiet cab trip back home (reimbursed – office expenses of course), only to have your hope of a quiet ride back home scuttled as badly as the hope of expecting good, intact roads in the sylvan surroundings of Andheri(East)? Because the cabbie wants to talk. With you. And himself. And how.

Have had the (mis)fortune of meeting three BIZARRE mofos thus… maybe it’s the traffic, maybe it’s ingesting all that lead and heavy metal particulate matter the whole day long, or maybe it’s just me. Read on…

Cabbie no. 1:
This guy was a verbal bitch-slap for me from the word go. The first witticism he unleashed as I parked my shapely behind on his cab’s shapeless backseat was
“Yeh VAT ne sab ka vaat lagaa diya hai!”
Me (sotto voce) : “WTF…?” (in caps lock if you please…)
That was just the hors d’oeuvre. He then went on yapping, head cocked back, and occasionally looking ahead at the road, till my ears bled. Literally.

  1. The reverse gear is the most powerful of all the gears in any vehicle. He knows this because he climbed up one whole section of the Western ghats driving in reverse, whereas three other drivers had failed to ascend it even in the fourth gear. Yes.
  2. Driving a cab is less stressful than working in IT. He knows, since he was a hardware technician once. To prove he wasn’t just breaking wind, he went to tell me about a problem he once had at a client’s place – “printer not working” – so he checked the LPT port, the data cables, the USB port, till he found out that somebody had unplugged it from the power supply. Heh Heh.
  3. He gave up fleecing customers at the airport because the only time he did it, justice was instant, and he got rammed by a truck. Never done it since.
  4. People give him a tip over and above the fare, because he is so well…honest. Needless to say, I double checked the fare before paying him.

Cabbie no. 2:

This guy was awesome.
His meter was half-cocked, so asked him pretty irritably whether he was open for business.
“Taxi aapki seva ka saadhan hai. Aap chaloge to hum bhi chalenge…”

  1. Yeh taxi meri maa hai. Roti deti hai, aasra deti hai, aur swabhimaan bhi. I have a very dirty feeling he is a closet Mithun bhakt.
  2. A ‘ladies’ customer once left back a bag with 55k cash, and two bearer cheques (Me : “Bearer matlab?” Him : “Matlab jispe naam aur amount nahi likha ho, sirruf sign ho…” Me : “Accha…”)
  3. This customer was very impressed, and her husband touched by his honesty, used to make this guy run errands for him, wherein he’d be given half a hundred rupee note, and a briefcase containing cash to be delivered someplace, and the other ‘party’ on receipt would verify this cryptograph, by comparing it with their half… (Honest. I’m NOT making this up. And I believe, neither was he…)
  4. His cab is a lucky charm, for people desperate to go to ‘foreign’. He guaranteed that I would go too. Within 15 days. Come to think of it, Andheri (East) sure looks SO ****ING international nowadays, it’s almost as good as being there.
Cabbie no. 3:

This guy was the spookiest by far. The first thing I heard was
“Mumbai nagari. Maya nagari.”
And then?
“Yahaan sab bharose pe hai. Mujhe kya malum aap kaise aadmi ho? Aur aapko kya malum main kaisa driver? Fir bhi hum haan bolke chal diye!!”
I knew this was gonna be real good. He took me on a whole trip down philosophy lane.


  1. Some really arcane Sanskrit shlokas lamenting the fall of mankind and goodness in general in this ‘Kalyug’.
  2. A woman’s only path to salvation is through her man. A man can do what the hell he wants, god will always forgive him. Even if he has an extra-marital fling or two. But women? No…that’s not in their ‘dharam’. She’ll be consigned to the flames of hell (or forced to go to SEEPZ from Andheri (yes…East) EVERY DAY), even if she entertains such thoughts. He gave me examples of Sati, Savitri and some others who have attained salvation through their husbands.
  3. A woman is inherently evil. She is always on the prowl, trying to gain control over your mind. And the best way to do that is through exchange of bodily fluids. Because, every drop of a certain bodily fluid that a man loses, makes him physically weak, if the flesh is weak, the mind is weak, if the mind is weak, then she wins. After this, he placed a trembling hand on my shoulder, and started to implore me to never do it. I feverishly grabbed whatever money I could find in my shirt pocket, and just pushed it in his hand, and got the hell out of there. It may have been extra, but God knows it was well worth it.
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12:59 AM, March 23, 2006
Blogger Venkat Narayan said...

Hilariously Well Written,
Dude u have a way to write things man, always great fun to read ur blog...

keep me posted with anything new.

Jai ho bambai nagariya ki...    

3:37 AM, March 23, 2006
Blogger SEV said...

The IT-turned-cabbie seems to be smart. Definitely a career path one could follow :)
And the Mithun-bhakt is beyond reproach. I'm pretty sure you'll find he'll have had taken Mithun.. I remember seeing that scene somewhere...

No comment on the final one. With reason. "Maya nagari" kinda says it all :)

Ah.. Mumbai. Damn I miss it.    

10:00 AM, March 23, 2006
Blogger Anand said...

Good stuff!
Will keep my ears pricked when I hire a cab the next time round. Will definitely find something inspirational. From personal experience, the philosophy virus of cabbie 3 can be traced to Rickshaw waalas as well :)
Keep the ink flowing Sir!    

10:16 AM, March 23, 2006
Blogger Aniket said...

i thank god...there are no taxis in Pune!!!    

1:30 PM, March 23, 2006
Blogger Nachowski said...

The third guy sounds a lot like Mithun from Classic Dance of Love. One way to know for sure: when he said "sex" did it echo around the taxi at least 10 times?    

10:15 PM, March 23, 2006
Blogger Tapan said...

jai ho... jai ho

I think I know why that dialogue is so familiar. "Yeh bhatti meri maa hai. Bhatti ne paala...posa...jawaan kiya...thandi lagi ko apni garam godi mein sulaaya...bhook lagi to khaana khilaya."
Now I wonder... just wonder...from *whom* have you heard this before? :)

Rickshaw waalas are another proposition altogether. Had once met a super frustrated rick guy who had given me a complete dissertation on why the Congress should be back in power (The BJP was ruling back then). Will post it once the novelty of this post wears out...

Bhau, you don't know what you are missing :D

Now that you mention it, he does he does... only he said 'kaam', 'vaasna', and 'hawas' and all these words had very very macabre echoes. He had a slight lisp too, so the effect was heightened. 'Vasssssna' .... 'Hawasssss'.... :D    

11:51 PM, March 23, 2006
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey man u shud watch the new Tamil blockbuster Sudeshi.... tis as mind boggling as mithun da's movies.....    

12:27 AM, March 24, 2006
Blogger AJ said...

Time to link!!
KUTGW (for future reference that means Keep Up The Good Work)    

2:23 AM, March 24, 2006
Blogger bluesman said...

taxi 9211 experience lag raha hai ..

meter down and keep on going ..    

12:28 PM, March 24, 2006
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was phenomenal dude .. very well written ...
A bit off topic ...
If you happened to catch the Mumbai test match action live, can you post something about it ... I am sure it would make wonderful reading if you key in something about it ...

9:31 PM, March 24, 2006
Blogger Tapan said...

movie noted

thanks for the hits from your blog.


Jimit bhai,
thenk yoo. That test match was amazing...the best part being when the crowd booed our heroes. Kind of a first in Indian cricket. Match disruptions due to crowds were the worst, but the anger was never directed towards the players, it was more of frustration that we were losing. Things have changed now. btw, do hope u've read http://dirtscapes.blogspot.com/2005/12/chirp-chirp.html ;)    

12:58 AM, June 20, 2006
Blogger pumpys said...

One more feather in Your CAP .I wish i get to meet these kinda Samples Someday but way too Funny Experiences.I Could'nt stop laughing throught reading.......Great Job Sir    

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