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Dirtscapes

Read. Suffer. Try to Enjoy.

Hollywood And A Little Deja Vu

Time to visit some Hollywood clichés. For far too long poor Bollywood has been spat on, reviled and derided for churning out assembly-line productions, with the same stuff rehashed in and out. A little careful recollection tells me that masala is an inherent part of movies everywhere, irrespective of budgets, languages and locales. Some observations…

“There is no Plan B”
This is primarily found in those buddy-buddy cop-type movies. Partner A would have convinced a skeptical Partner B that he’s got all the aspects (‘plans’) covered, and that they should go right for a very risky operation, usually in the heart of the villain’s den. Things (predictably) go a liiiittle wrong, and they are usually sitting under a glass window which is shattering, with bullets and assorted shrapnel all around them.

Partner B : “A, It’s time for plan B. Do you hear me? Time for plan B!!”
Partner A : “Yea…I guess it is…”
Partner B : “OK, so what’s plan B?”
Partner A : “There’s no plan B…”

After which Partner A proceeds to jump up, firing like a maniac, Partner B utters a “Oh ****!!!!” (fill in your favourite expletive there) and proceeds to join him. Both obviously live to make another sequel.

“Who called the FEDs?”
In EVERY movie, the FBI and the local cops NEVER see eye to eye on ANY case. Any crime scene will be first visited by the local cops, and while they are doing their stuff, an FBI vehicle pulls up.
The chief of local police usually mutters “Damn…it’s the Feds…who called them here?”

FBI guy (in a suit) walks up to the party, and asks
“Who’s in charge here?”
Local Police Chief : “I am”
FBI guy : “Not any more. We are taking over.”

This causes a lot of bristling resentment amongst the local cops, which usually includes the hero. After the Feds have taken over, our hero HAS to visit the crime scene again. He usually does this by assaulting some poor FBI guy who’s doing his job by trying to block his re-entry…

“The divorced guy and his messy home syndrome”
Divorced males ALWAYS have to live in a place which resembles Andheri(East) on a particularly charming day. The effect is all the more pronounced when the ex-wife comes to drop off their kids for the weekend with her new husband/flame. There’s usually a good five minutes’ worth of oh-the-scathing-disapproval-in-the-ex-wife’s-eyes-waala shots, when the poor ex-husband tries to make space for them to sit, and tries to do a quick clean-up routine.

“I’ll pick the kids up on Saturday…”
Thanks to the court order, immediately after the preceding scene, the ex-wife wants the kids back either the same evening or within a day. The ex-husband pleads with the ex-wife, inducing the kids to join in and give off their most ‘poppet’ expressions for a day more. Sometimes the ex-wife gives in, sometimes she doesn’t. That’s the way it rolls.

“The patient car crash victims”
People just throw their hands in the air, and resign themselves to a series of accidents whenever there's a high profile car chase. These guys are then consigned to a cinematic black hole, and very few movies mention the damage caused, and who actually reimburses these poor souls. A massive headache for the insurance guys am sure. You could at least show the car insurance office. Just one scene? No?
Also, every car chase worth it’s salt involves either the chaser or the chased losing control for a stretch, and going on to a sidewalk, cutting through either a road-side café, or an ‘ethnic’ market, which always has an orange vendor who loses all his stuff. Nobody ever gets crushed to death, or even remotely scratched. Go figure.

“We, the people”
Desi characters are always introduced with the same stupid bars of sitar music in the background. It is kind of like our very own ‘Intel Inside’ aural token. Also, the accent which these guys usually have is so wonderfully unique and let’s just say Simpsonian, I’ve never ever heard it in this huge stinking melting pot called Mumbai.
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2:17 AM, April 19, 2006
Blogger Supremus said...

ROFL!!

man you are too good! Hahahahhaha - the cliches you bring out are damn! on the spot!!

Superlative!

Suyog    



2:17 AM, April 19, 2006
Blogger AJ said...

Rock on buddy, rock on!! For far too long we have been critcal of our own "philum industry" while the firangs continue to bombard us with their cliche's.    



7:14 PM, April 19, 2006
Blogger Ashish said...

Damn good man...but u missed out the reference to the "all-powerful" one man army "Seven Sea-gull"...that man can win a war alone...hehehehe...

And the ugly-duckling-turn-princess prom stories...yuck...    



10:46 PM, April 19, 2006
Blogger SEV said...

As Ashish said.. the weird looking girl who becomes prom-princess; in such cases - the bitch hot evil girl who makes life a living hell.
There is also the fact that at times bullets are unlimited.. but sometimes; everyone discovers they "only have 6 bullets".

And post-The Matrix.. the fact that all hitting and kicking happens in slow-mo/freeze-frame; weird why the villain is never able to dodge it even in such a case...    



10:58 PM, April 19, 2006
Blogger Huzaifa said...

Add another cliche to your list
The secret vault is in the most guarded room in the building, protected by 20 CCTVs, 5 guards, fingerprint scanner, iris checker, voice analyzer.....and it has a ventilation duct large enough for Adnan Sami to crawl through!!    



1:46 PM, April 20, 2006
Blogger Anand said...

Not any more :)
The king of 'em all!!!!!
I've freaked out on the "But-you-said-you-would" replied with "I-lied" sequences a lot too :))    



10:04 PM, April 25, 2006
Blogger Tapan said...

Suyog,
Thanks man!

Banjo,
That was pretty much the driving sentiment for this post...

Ashish,
Mr. Seagal is an industry in himself man. I like some of his stuff. Honest.
And yea, those prom/teen/ugly duckling movies REALLY suck you know what...

Satish,
That 6 bullet funda is something which I believe is eerily lifted from Bollywood. We've beaten them to it and are proud of it...

Huzaifa,
Brilliant observation dude. I missed that. :)

Andy,
"Not any more" rocks. And I missed the "I lied" one too. Brilliant one that... have seen it till my eyes water at the mere memory...    



4:26 PM, August 18, 2006
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lovely!    



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